


i was born into this (now i'm dying because of it)

by mrspotatohead



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Books, Caring, Caring Josh Dun, Child Abuse, Crying, Cynicism, Depression, Dogs, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Angst, Existentialism, Feelings, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, Late Night Conversations, Love, M/M, One Shot, Outer Space, Rain, Reading, Sad, Scars, School, Smoking, Stars, Teenage Tyler Joseph, Underage Smoking, lowercase intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 21:20:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11906430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrspotatohead/pseuds/mrspotatohead
Summary: "it's only a cigarette. there are things that are worse than cigarettes.""like what?"like guys with purple hair that ask too many questions."ORtyler is cynical and josh tries his best.





	i was born into this (now i'm dying because of it)

"you want a cigarette?" tyler asked. his voice was scratchy and quiet. it was so quiet that the sound of the rain almost blocked it out. there was something in his tone. it was closed off, as if he was pulling down the curtains, as if he was blocking out the world. it was odd.

"no. i don't smoke. thanks though," josh said. he sat down on the porch chair next to tyler and stared at the houses across the road. he took in the sheets of rain, the grey rolling clouds and the tired old suburbia that he lived in, that he knew so well. the air was thick and uncomfortable and warm. it made his throat itch, but he didn't really mind. it was one of those days where the world just felt so ancient, so old. one of those days that felt like the earth was trying to breathe through the cracks in the pavement. 

tyler lit his cigarette. smoke billowed between them, and they were silent. they watched a stray dog drinking out of a puddle across the street. 

"maybe we should bring him inside. give him some clean water," josh suggested. a pulse of sadness coursed through him as they watched the dog whine and cry. he wondered what type of person would just abandon an animal like that. he didn't like thinking about it too much. it made his head hurt.

"are you kidding, josh?"

"what?"

"that's a stray dog. if you try to approach it, it's going to bite you. probably give you rabies or something."

"yeah, right. he's fine, he looks harmless. come on, man. we can't just leave him," josh insisted, running a hand through his hair. tyler looked at him. his eyes were the same as his voice: they were faraway, they were lonely. they looked a lot older than he was.

"let's just get on with the book. we have to read it all by monday," tyler said, and that was that. end of discussion about the dog. out of the corner of his eye, josh saw it stop drinking from the puddle and begin to trot away. it turned a corner and vanished from view. it was gone. guilt dropped into his chest like a stone. he ignored it, tried his best to push it down.

tyler reached into the bag that sat by his feet and pulled out _to kill a mockingbird_. he stared at it for a second, and josh stared at him. he hadn't noticed how long tyler's eyelashes were. he didn't know if it was normal to think of boys as beautiful, but that was the word that came into his mind. beautiful. he wanted to say it out loud, he wanted to feel the words leave his lips. but he didn't. 

"do you want to read the first chapter, or should i?" josh broke the silence before it lasted too long, before it got awkward.

"you can," tyler shrugged, like he didn't care. he put out his cigarette. then he paused, the perpetual frown on his face deepened.

"what?

"why don't you smoke, josh?"

josh squinted at him, trying to work out what his deal was. the question hung heavily between them, a purposeful presence. he knew he had to answer it.

"am i supposed to smoke, or something?" he almost laughed. amusement glinted in his eyes, and tyler looked away from it. he set the book down on the chair between them.

"no. it's just - how do you get to be seventeen without trying a cigarette at least once? it's weird. you're weird."

"well, thanks for that. that's really good to know," josh retorted, but he was laughing. he couldn't help it. it was just funny.

"you're welcome," tyler didn't smile. the rain came down even heavier. it felt like the whole world was drowning in it. josh didn't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, or maybe it was neither. maybe that was just the way things were. the scent of gasoline and dampness lingered faintly in the air, reminding them both of days long since past.

"well, now you have to tell me," josh said after a moment, looking at tyler expectantly.

"tell you what?"

"why you smoke, obviously."

"because it's an addiction. _obviously._ "

"and that's it?" he raised an eyebrow.

"were you expecting something else?" tyler muttered. he lit another cigarette with hands that were shaking too much. josh noticed, but he didn't mention it.

"i don't know. there has to be a proper reason. when did you start smoking?"

"when i was fifteen."

"why?" they both missed a beat. they didn't look at each other. _to kill a mockingbird_ lay on the chair between them, momentarily forgotten.

"i already told you. because it's an addiction."

"but it wasn't an addiction then, tyler. when you smoked your first cigarette, you didn't need to. you just did it. why?"

tyler didn't say anything for a while. the expression on his face bled with a mixture of irritation and sadness. it was strange, to see someone look like that: vulnerable and strong at the same time. harsh and soft. in that instant, josh realized what tyler was. he was a walking contradiction. 

"because i wanted to. that's why," tyler muttered. his voice was barely above a whisper, and it cracked with the strain of all of the things he couldn't say.

"even though you knew that nothing good would come of it?"

"it's only a cigarette. there are things that are worse than cigarettes."

"like what?

"like guys with purple hair that ask too many questions," tyler glared at him. josh felt the urge to smile, but he swallowed it, looking over at tyler curiously. they'd known each other for a very long time, since they were little kids. but they'd never been best friends. everyone knew that tyler didn't have friends. he didn't want them, he didn't need them. he didn't need anybody. 

"sorry," josh sighed. "i just don't get you."

"nobody gets me."

"tone it down. could you be any more cryptic?" josh joked, and then wanted to kick himself. tyler gave him a look, but something changed in his eyes. something flickered in them, a brightness that hadn't been there before. it was lovely, but it didn't last long. 

"do you always do that?" tyler said, drumming his fingers against the arm of the seat in an off beat rhythm. josh thought that he could probably listen to it all day and not get tired of it.

"do what?"

"i don't know. laugh. make jokes. take things lightly," tyler explained, then shrugged. it was odd to hear him talk so much. it was odd to even be having a conversation with him at all. but it was nice, it was easy. it was different.

"no, not always. i guess i do it a lot though. i don't really notice it, to be honest."

"how?"

"you're asking me how i make jokes?" josh snorted. headlights glinted through the rain and a car drove by, streaking through the deep puddles. they both watched its progress down the road. it turned a corner and vanished from view, just like the dog.

"no. i'm asking you how you take things so lightly."

"i don't think i understand the question," josh looked at him, wondering what it was that he wanted. wondering what it would take to make him genuinely smile.

"i mean, how do you live in such a shitty world and not let it impact you? how do you not let it consume you?" he asked, and he sounded so eager, as if he really wanted to know. as if he really _needed_ to know. josh thought about it for a moment. he felt the weight of the questions in his soul, yet he didn't know how to answer them. he was just a kid, but so was tyler. and if he was brave enough to ask the questions, josh thought he should at least attempt a decent reply.

"well, maybe the world isn't as shitty as you think it is. maybe there's a lot more to it all than you've seen so far," he said in a small voice. he felt peculiar, talking about something so real. it was another one of those things that made his head hurt.

"yeah, right. you're telling me that you don't notice all of the pain and the war and the anguish? all of the lies and the death and the anger? it's everywhere. just turn on the news every once in a while. and it's never going to stop," tyler spat. every word he said sounded deliberate, and a vein stood out in his neck. he dug his nails into the palms of his hand, hard. until then, josh had thought that tyler didn't care about anything. but he realized as he watched the other boy that it was actually quite the opposite: he cared so much. he cared about everything so, so much.

"how do you know it's not going to stop?"

"it's human nature. it's just the way things are, the way they've always been. and they make too much money off of it, anyway. they need it. suffering is big business."

"you have an extremely cynical look on life, tyler." josh's voice was soft. he sounded like a wounded animal. he felt like one, too. fragile and afraid.

"it's not cynical if it's true."

"maybe it's true. but just because there are bad people out there, doesn't mean we have to be, too. it actually makes me want to be more of a good person."

tyler thought about that for a moment. he studied his hands silently. there was a slight furrow in his brow. josh wanted to reach forward and smooth it out. he wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he didn't.

"i'm a bad person," tyler said after a while. there was no pity in his voice, there was just certainty. it broke josh's heart. it made him understand what tyler was saying about pain and sadness. it hurt to hear him sound so sure.

"no, you're not."

"you don't know me that well."

"tyler. you're not a bad person just because you can't comprehend all of the horrible shit that happens in the world, okay? don't say that," josh wanted to yell at him, wanted to make him understand. but he couldn't. because he was just a human and so was tyler and that was all that they would ever be. they were just a fleeting moment in time. they weren't even a stain on the history books. in a sense, they were nothing.

"you're wrong," tyler sighed, scrubbing a hand over his eyes. he seemed tired, like all of the fight had been taken out of him.

"you don't get to tell me what i think of you, alright? and i think you're a good person, and you can't do anything about it. it's my perspective."

tyler looked away. he seemed to project sorrow, it emanated from somewhere deep inside of him. maybe it was the foundation of his being, the fabric of his soul. there was purple shadows underneath his eyes. josh wondered what it was that was keeping him up at night. he wanted to make whatever it was go away. he wanted to help. he wanted tyler to stop looking at him like the world was about to end.

"you ever think about how the stars don't care about us? it can be kind of comforting," josh blurted out after a minute, watching the dark clouds shift and move in the distance. he needed to say something, and that was all he could think of. the rain had lightened to a steady drizzle, the kind that fogs up the windows, the kind that makes the world feel hazy and remote. neither one of them noticed.

"how is that comforting?"

"well," josh swallowed nervously. "well. don't you think it's sort of a relief to know that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what we do or what happens next? pain and sadness and all of that other stuff - it's a human concept. the stars don't care. they don't even notice. we're just people. that's all the world is made up of. people. someday it's all going to end, but the universe will still be here. and isn't that cool?"

josh let his voice trail off into silence. tyler pursed his lips, his gaze trained to the floor. the only sound was the rain pattering against the roof of the porch. and then he looked up, he looked right at josh with such intensity that it felt significant in an insignificant world, and he smiled. he really smiled. josh felt his breath catch in his throat.

"that is cool. really cool," he agreed. the grin disappeared just as quickly as it had came. but the main thing was that it had happened, he had been happy, and the thought of that alone was enough for josh. it was more than enough. he'd talk about the stars all day if it meant that tyler would smile.

"yeah," josh smirked. "nothing matters, and it's fucking amazing."

they both laughed at the same time. josh loved the way it sounded, loved the feeling of being in sync with someone.

"i lied to you, before." tyler muttered quietly. a sudden soberness chased away the light in his expression. he looked distant, like he was trying to figure the world out but he couldn't quite manage it.

"about what?" josh frowned. a flush of nervousness ran through him.

"i wasn't fifteen when i had my first cigarette."

"how old were you?"

"ten."

"what?"

"i was ten," he repeated. his jaw was clenched. he looked like one touch could send him crumbling to the ground, into a pile of ashes and smoke. it was terrifying. it wasn't beautiful. 

"jesus, tyler."

"and it was because-," he stopped himself, and josh saw it. saw the fear in his eyes. a white hot fear.

"because what?"

"because of my dad, i guess. he's kind of a weird guy. he made me smoke it."

"what? how?"

"i refused to at first. i didn't want to," he explained. his voice was shaking, but his eyes were dry. josh could tell that he'd thought about it a lot. he could tell that the pain wan't raw anymore. he was just used to it, used to the hurt. he thrived in it.

"and what happened?"

"he gave me this," tyler leaned forward and pulled down the collar of his hoodie. there was a thick, pale pink scar on the base of his neck. josh stared at it and saw all of the evils of the world embedded in his friend's skin. he felt a rush of seething anger, anger that was so strong that it made him go dizzy. he wanted to fight everything on tyler's behalf. he wanted to cry.

"tyler," he said pathetically. his voice was thin and weak. he wished it was stronger, but it wasn't. it just wasn't. 

"it's okay. it was ages ago now. i just didn't want to lie to you."

"it's not okay."

"it is. i used to cry about it. i'd cry so much that it hurt. i'd tell myself that eventually i was going to run out of tears, but i never did. it's over now. it's okay."

"no. it's not. it shouldn't have happened in the first place. you know what? maybe i do get you. you're not a bad person. you've just had bad things happen to you," josh said gently, hoping it was the right thing to say. he silently willed tyler to look at him. he needed to know that he was alright. he wanted to look him in the eye, but they were both too scared. they were both too human.

"no, josh. that's not it. you don't know what you're saying," he insisted. his hands were balled into fists. the other boy studied him carefully, slowly. as if he wanted to memorize every last detail of him.

"i do know what i'm saying," he tried. he reached forward without hesitating and straightened out tyler's hand. his palms were bleeding where his nails had dug into them. josh ran a finger softly over the lines, frowning at them.

"i do know what i'm saying," he repeated. "i'm saying -,"

"don't."

"i'm saying: tyler, you're good. you're good. you're golden," he whispered, running a finger over tyler's wrist. for a second, tyler looked like he was going to cry. josh held his breath.

"thanks, josh." he sounded so genuine, and he managed a watery smile. it was the saddest sight in the whole universe, but it was beautiful. josh didn't know if he'd ever get used to it, to that smile. it seemed impossible to ignore something so magnificent. something so rare.

"look, the rain's finally stopped," tyler pointed out, trying to change the subject. josh looked at the sky and nodded. the world felt cleaner somehow, fresher. it felt new.

"do you still want me to read the first chapter?" josh said, picking up the book that lay between them. tyler blinked at it and then laughed. josh watched his eyes crinkle as he did so.

"no, i'll read it. you just listen."

"okay."

and he did. he listened so intently that he thought his ears were going to fall off, but he didn't actually hear anything, not really. because he cared about the lull of tyler's voice more than he cared about the words. he cared about tyler's presence more than he cared about the project. they became tylerandjosh. they became infinite.

and they were both at peace with it.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhhhhhh turns out i cant write pt. 2
> 
>  
> 
> i hope you liked it anyway tho and if you did please leave a kudos and a comment :) it helps a lot!


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